Friday, February 26, 2010

Divorcing a Narcissist

This is a rather long read for my usual posts, but if you have ever been in the position of being abused at the hands of a narcissist, whether in a marriage or not, you may find some comfort in reading about how the mind of a narcissist works.

It may help you re-build your self esteem.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Fit and Healthy

I haven't been sick in years.

While still inside my marriage, I was stressed and fearful a lot of the time and it manifested in my health. I never got away from my sinus infections - NEVER! And, I was no stranger to Tamiflu. I normally had a bout of the flu at least once a year. On a regular basis, I would wake up so sick in the middle of the night, that I would drive myself over to the Infirmary and get a steriod shot in my backside.

Since our separation, I (touch wood) haven't been sick - NOT ONCE!!!

Lesson here is that if you are suffering a lot with inexplicable illness, take a look at your emotional it toxic??

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Divorce Help

My doorbell rang this morning and when I answered it there was a young man standing there with a workman's toolkit draped from his shoulder. He looked at me, incredulously and told me that he was there from the gas company. He was sent to shut off the gas. He said, "You didn't pay your gas bill??" He said it with total amazement in his voice, and in his eyes.

I told him that it probably wasn't any of his business, but because of a nasty divorce and the fact that my soon-to-be-ex husband chooses to not abide by the court's orders, if he was sent to shut off the gas, then he should get on with his job.

I assume the gas has been shut off, and shortly I will be without hot water and heat - not to worry - this is not the first time I have had to dance this dance with the man I used to adore.

I explain these circumstances to provide support to anyone else that might be going through the same types of issues. Stay strong and remember that this is almost a normal reaction from someone that is angry. I don't really understand - I should be the angry one.....yes, I filed first, but only because of circumstances that were spiralling, rapidly, out of control and it was a safety issue.

Nevertheless, he is very angry with me.

If you are thinking about filing, or have filed, be prepared for some residual, fallout anger.

Remember that God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Tiger Woods Speech

I mention this speech, only because I feel that it's content is informational to this website.

Is it really necessary for Tiger Wood’s to apologize to the world through the media for his inappropriate behaviours? Is it really anyone’s business but his and his wife’s? Or is it just more narcissism? Is it just more keeping the spotlight focused on him?

I believe that whatever happened between the two of them should have stayed right there. His apologies, as far as I’m concerned, falls on deaf ears. I didn’t care that he was having multiple affairs, and I don’t care about his apologies. I only hope and pray that he is as sincere with his wife as he begs for her forgiveness.

As Elin weighs her options, I hope she recognizes the work that is in front of her - no matter which way she decides to go.

Walking away from her marriage, whether it was because of his infidelities or not, will be difficult. Let’s face facts, there’s little doubt that when she walked the aisle, she had this scenario playing out in her head. When you marry, you expect it to be for life. When you marry, you expect your partner to live up to the promises committed to on that special day. Then to find out that your partner has decided to play another role.........

It’s my humble opinion, that Tiger should stay behind closed doors and figure this out with his wife and his therapists.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Going "Out of Bounds"

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by Garret M. Kramer, Principle Based Practitioner and founder of Inner-Sports, LLC
I have often mentioned Tiger Woods as the most clear thinking athlete alive today. To be clear, the fluent state of mind often discussed, was solely based on my observations of his on course resiliency and success. Honestly however, if you had asked me a week ago, I would have said that this high level of well being was mostly present in his off course life as well…I guess I was mistaken.
Simply a sad situation
To me the whole situation is just sad; sad for Tiger, sad for his wife, and sad for a mostly adoring public, many young fans in particular. In actuality, it is hard for me to even blog on the subject, for my blogs are always written about events or principles that I am passionate about and, whether or not I agree with the subject matter, this passion usually leads me to a positive perspective when I am through. Here I’m typing and trying to find the good at the same time. I’m not succeeding (so far) by the way.
You have the choice between judgment and compassion
In any case, as I have said before, I strongly caution anyone about judging someone else’s behavior. Not because you may be right or wrong but because when you judge someone else, it will always lead to a lousy feeling for you. That is, every situation we face or observe is an opportunity to react and apply judgment, or look deeper into what’s really going on and offer compassion and a possible solution. What is especially interesting, is that the choice between these two courses of action has nothing to do with the person or situation in question…It’s all up to you!
My colleague, Dr. George Pransky, whose consulting practice has had a profound impact on my life, once humorously said: “When I used to meet someone and they rubbed me the wrong way, I used to think there was something wrong with them.” Applied here, what Dr. Pransky is saying is that how we see Tiger Woods has little to do with him; it’s all about our own inner-state of mind. And while it might seem easy to scoff at or condemn Tiger’s behavior, believe me, when your mind ascends to a high level of psychological functioning, you will look upon the events of the past week with compassion and concern for all parties involved.
Message to Tiger: Apply your on course principles to your personal life as well
When Tiger was young, his father was insightful enough to remind him about the “out of bounds” stakes or the “water hazards” that existed on a particular golf hole. For, he knew that it was inevitable, during a tournament, that a thought about these danger spots was bound to pop into Tiger’s head. Hence, he would clearly be in trouble if he allowed himself to play victim to those thoughts. Today my message for Tiger Woods is to simply apply the same principles to your personal life as well. Like the public’s temptation to judge, Tiger needs to understand that (just like thinking you might hit the ball into the water) the lure to stray is merely a self created illusion at a particular moment in time, it’s not a call to action! And the doubt and insecurity that spawns from this type of deviant thinking is an obvious warning sign that you are about to head down the wrong track.
Finding the positive
Therefore, while there is no doubt that Tiger has been well trained (on the power of thought) to handle on course distractions, applying the same understanding to his life away from the game, will ultimately produce the same positive results…. Thankfully, I found the potential for good after all!
This article was originally posted at Join us every other Thursday morning on our radio show to learn more about Garret Kramer and Inner-Sports LLC.

Five Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Thinking About Divorce

This list can go either way. Five signs that your marriage might be in trouble could be another title.

1. A slow down in open communication. Let's face it, your spouse was your best friend and if the two of you are not communicating the way you did - there's a problem. That goes both ways - if you are not communicating as much with your spouse, that is a red flag.

2. More bad than good. Any marriage has trouble spots. Think of it as an iceberg, the good stuff is under the water and the rough spots are represented by the much smaller part of the iceberg above the waterline. At some point in time, if you realize that the iceberg has inverted and the bad times out weigh the good times, that should be a sign.

3. If your spouse is "too busy" to spend time with you, if you feel the contempt in the air, you may be headed to see a divorce attorney.

4. Do you feel like you have done everything in your power to try and save the marriage and there is no positive feedback from your spouse? If your partner is not willing to work on saving the marriage with you, that might indicate trouble ahead.

5. If the intimacy is gone from your marriage, then you probably have trouble.

Marriage is work! If you or your spouse often think about being alone, as in not married, you should probably decide if divorce or therapy is in your future. Whether you choose therapy or divorce - either one is going to be work.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ten Questions To Ask Potential Lawyers

Hiring your divorce attorney is a big step. It means, among other things, that you are probably more confirmed in your decision to file for divorce. Making sure that the person you have chosen to represent you is the right fit for you is paramount for the ultimate outcome for this action. Here are some sample questions that I would want to know from any potential lawyer.

1. ☐ Is Family Law your area of expertise?
2. ☐ How long have you practiced law?
3. ☐ How long have you been practicing law in this state?
4. ☐ When and where did you pass the bar?
5. ☐ How long have you been with this law firm/had a sole practice?
6. ☐ What is your case load now?
7. ☐ Do you feel that you can dedicate the necessary time to my case?
8. ☐ Are you licensed to practice law in this state?
9. ☐ Is your practice comprised mostly of Plaintiffs or Defendants?
10. ☐ Do you represent more men or women?

This is a partial list of interview questions. Divorce Educator covers a more in depth list.