Recently I picked up and read a book titled, "Divorce Sucks". It is written by a Canadian girl, and although she is very accomplished in her own right, you may not know her name. You may not know her ex-husband’s name, but you probably know the “other woman”. Her name is Tori Spelling. The author’s name is Mary Jo Eustace.
Do you know the name Gayle Haggard? She wrote a book titled, “Why I Stayed”, she is married to former evangelical leader Ted Haggard. While living life as a preacher, he was also having homosexual relations.
Do you know the name Elizabeth Edwards? She wrote a book titled, “Resilience”.
Jenny Sanford? “Staying True”.
All these women thought they had happy marriages, they had visions, just like you and me, about standing by your man. Standing in the shadows, being the supportive wife, helping HIM reach for HIS stars.
When it doesn’t quite turn out the way you were expecting, you are entitled to have your pity party…..for a while.
Time’s up! Let’s turn this into a positive. Start to look around at all the good things that surround you. Start to think about how you can take this situation and develop a plan to get yourself out of the funk that divorce can try to be. Think of it as a freedom, think of it as being given the opportunity to try something new!
Get out a notebook and start listing off good things in your life. Then make a list of things that you would life to try.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Post-Divorce Shift
I recently worked with person of great knowledge. She had access to tremendous volumes of information and she absorbed the knowledge like a dry sponge.
Unfortunately for her, she was also burdened with some conditioned beliefs about herself and her ability to create. It seems that she was raised by, while they were well meaning, less than "supportive" parents. And this is not to cast blame on her parents, because they were raised with the same set of beliefs, and their parents before them. Her parents raised the family from a place of financial lack. People repeat what they know, right or wrong. When a child grows up that way - they are naturally conditioned to repeat the same set of values as parents. - it can't be helped, it just is. The good news is....it can be changed! She does not have to remain enslaved by someone's prophecy over her life.
No matter how successful this woman became in her job, she had a base belief that she shouldn't be doing as well as she was, so she self-sabotaged herself back in line with her core beliefs. I watched in amazement as she went from a somewhat solid financial base into losing her job then losing her home to foreclosure, living in a motel. Job interview after job interview, nothing was clicking. She was comfortable in her self-created uncomfortable-ness.
UNLESS there is a massive shift in consciousness to believe another set of values - especially surrounding money, this abysmal history is doomed to generationally repeat itself. The welfare system is full of people that are generationally addicted to getting the same as the generation before them because they know no different - it's the way they were raised.
You may have come through the ravages of divorce, but I cannot emphasize enough that while you may have come through battered and torn, you need to get up, dust yourself off, and get your mind going! Shift, shift, shift!
Where you are is definitely because of the choices you have made, good and bad! Please make the choice RIGHT NOW to not become a slave to "lack".
Unfortunately for her, she was also burdened with some conditioned beliefs about herself and her ability to create. It seems that she was raised by, while they were well meaning, less than "supportive" parents. And this is not to cast blame on her parents, because they were raised with the same set of beliefs, and their parents before them. Her parents raised the family from a place of financial lack. People repeat what they know, right or wrong. When a child grows up that way - they are naturally conditioned to repeat the same set of values as parents. - it can't be helped, it just is. The good news is....it can be changed! She does not have to remain enslaved by someone's prophecy over her life.
No matter how successful this woman became in her job, she had a base belief that she shouldn't be doing as well as she was, so she self-sabotaged herself back in line with her core beliefs. I watched in amazement as she went from a somewhat solid financial base into losing her job then losing her home to foreclosure, living in a motel. Job interview after job interview, nothing was clicking. She was comfortable in her self-created uncomfortable-ness.
UNLESS there is a massive shift in consciousness to believe another set of values - especially surrounding money, this abysmal history is doomed to generationally repeat itself. The welfare system is full of people that are generationally addicted to getting the same as the generation before them because they know no different - it's the way they were raised.
You may have come through the ravages of divorce, but I cannot emphasize enough that while you may have come through battered and torn, you need to get up, dust yourself off, and get your mind going! Shift, shift, shift!
Where you are is definitely because of the choices you have made, good and bad! Please make the choice RIGHT NOW to not become a slave to "lack".
5 Ways to Look Younger!
Divorce isn't easy on anyone. It can become a burden and your physical body will show the signs of fatigue.
Wrinkles, dry patches on your skin, oily patches, dark circles under your eyes are tell-tale signs that you aren't looking after yourself.
Follow these five steps and over the course of time, you will see a difference!!
1. Exercise. Exercise releases endorphins into your bloodstream and endorphins are the "happy hormones". It's absolutely impossible to be unhappy with these endorphins surging through your veins. Exercise doesn't have to involve running marathons, a nice brisk 20 minute walk will work.
2. Sleep. Sleep is the time when your body does all it's repair work. Provide yourself, if possible, a delicious and terribly comfortable place to sleep. Keep electronics out of the bedroom, no matter how tempting it may be to sleep with your cell phone close by, or the television on. Lower the temperature and use more blankets, if necessary, you will sleep better with lower temperatures.
3. Laugh More. Again, with the happy hormones!! Just smiling will change your body chemistry, but those big deep belly laughs really do work!! Trust me - there will be a true shift in your outlook, if you can just LAUGH!
4. Breathe Deeply. This looks like sitting in the still and being calm. Take the time to relax in the storm. We all go through difficult times and in a divorce, that can feel overwhelming. "Tough times" is something that most people battle when going through a divorce. Breathe deeply and know that you will be okay!!
5. Control Your Thoughts. I homeschooled our daughter and we had a poster on the wall that reminded her (and me) of this gem on a daily basis! You've heard this before, but it's worth repeating.
What you THINK about becomes your thoughts and
your thoughts become your words and
your words become your actions and
your actions become YOU!!
SO WATCH WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT!!
Your face represents what you show the world. Take the time to EXERCISE, SLEEP, LAUGH MORE, BREATHE DEEPLY AND CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS!!
Wrinkles, dry patches on your skin, oily patches, dark circles under your eyes are tell-tale signs that you aren't looking after yourself.
Follow these five steps and over the course of time, you will see a difference!!
1. Exercise. Exercise releases endorphins into your bloodstream and endorphins are the "happy hormones". It's absolutely impossible to be unhappy with these endorphins surging through your veins. Exercise doesn't have to involve running marathons, a nice brisk 20 minute walk will work.
2. Sleep. Sleep is the time when your body does all it's repair work. Provide yourself, if possible, a delicious and terribly comfortable place to sleep. Keep electronics out of the bedroom, no matter how tempting it may be to sleep with your cell phone close by, or the television on. Lower the temperature and use more blankets, if necessary, you will sleep better with lower temperatures.
3. Laugh More. Again, with the happy hormones!! Just smiling will change your body chemistry, but those big deep belly laughs really do work!! Trust me - there will be a true shift in your outlook, if you can just LAUGH!
4. Breathe Deeply. This looks like sitting in the still and being calm. Take the time to relax in the storm. We all go through difficult times and in a divorce, that can feel overwhelming. "Tough times" is something that most people battle when going through a divorce. Breathe deeply and know that you will be okay!!
5. Control Your Thoughts. I homeschooled our daughter and we had a poster on the wall that reminded her (and me) of this gem on a daily basis! You've heard this before, but it's worth repeating.
What you THINK about becomes your thoughts and
your thoughts become your words and
your words become your actions and
your actions become YOU!!
SO WATCH WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT!!
Your face represents what you show the world. Take the time to EXERCISE, SLEEP, LAUGH MORE, BREATHE DEEPLY AND CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS!!
Timothy Ferris - 4 Hour Work Week
In finishing up my divorce and having a burning desire to help others through this process, I am reading, “The 4 Hour Work Week” – the expanded and updated version. I wanted to read this book to help me with the Divorce Educator and help refine the Educator series. But I got hit upside the head with a nugget of information that I think would help people that are considering divorce.
Divorce is a funny creature. When you first meet the person of your dreams, and you’ve got your rose colored glasses on, it’s like your perception is off and you allow this person leeways that you probably wouldn’t afford to others. Timothy Ferris talks about the 80/20 rule, I have used this rule before in business, but now, I am applying these same techniques to assess what happened in my marriage/divorce, or maybe justify what happened. I have heard it said before that failure is never failure if you learn from it and use those lessons when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the race.
I am going to quote directly, (Timothy, I hope that ok with you).
“Who are the 20% of the people that produce 80% of your enjoyment and propel you forward and which 20% cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing?”
Further
“Exact numbers aren’t needed to realize that we spend too much time with those who poison us with pessimism, sloth, and low expectations of themselves and the world. It is often the case that you have to fire certain friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want. This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.”
So when first in love, you look at your spouse with the rose-colored glasses and see things in them that are perhaps figments of the qualities that you are looking for in a partner. Time goes by and maybe you grow in different directions and are now no longer suitable for each other. Grown apart if your will – so why prolong the agony.
Use the 80/20 rule, if your spouse falls into the 20% of the people that cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing, then guess what???
Divorce is a funny creature. When you first meet the person of your dreams, and you’ve got your rose colored glasses on, it’s like your perception is off and you allow this person leeways that you probably wouldn’t afford to others. Timothy Ferris talks about the 80/20 rule, I have used this rule before in business, but now, I am applying these same techniques to assess what happened in my marriage/divorce, or maybe justify what happened. I have heard it said before that failure is never failure if you learn from it and use those lessons when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the race.
I am going to quote directly, (Timothy, I hope that ok with you).
“Who are the 20% of the people that produce 80% of your enjoyment and propel you forward and which 20% cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing?”
Further
“Exact numbers aren’t needed to realize that we spend too much time with those who poison us with pessimism, sloth, and low expectations of themselves and the world. It is often the case that you have to fire certain friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want. This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.”
So when first in love, you look at your spouse with the rose-colored glasses and see things in them that are perhaps figments of the qualities that you are looking for in a partner. Time goes by and maybe you grow in different directions and are now no longer suitable for each other. Grown apart if your will – so why prolong the agony.
Use the 80/20 rule, if your spouse falls into the 20% of the people that cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing, then guess what???
Divorce = Drama
Divorce - Drama
Will you participate?
We all get caught up in drama at one time or another. It comes in many forms. You might be struggling with in-fighting between family members, roped into a legal hassle with someone who mistakenly sees the proliferation of paperwork as progress, or embroiled in a nasty divorce that keeps everyone living on the edge. Sometimes the drama occurs in our minds - obsessing over something we did in the past, worrying about whether or not we'll get an outcome we desire, or overthinking a problem to death. You know you're caught up in drama when you feel a sense of ongoing, emotional entanglement in a situation - a circumstance that seems to take over your life. While there are some events that will take time to get resolved, that doesn't mean that you have to suffer. If drama is on your plate, here are three things you can do:
1. Stop talking about it. Don't gossip with others, don't debate the situation to death, and don't allow others to bait you with inquiries about what's going on either. Talking about the details over and over again gives more energy to the problem rather than the solution.
2. Identify the button pushers. Oftentimes drama is fueled by unresolved past issues that get stirred up by present-day problems. If you feel like a five-year-old every time you find yourself in the company of your ex, for example, chances are he or she is re-triggering a situation from your past where you may have felt powerless or afraid. These are therapy issues that can be worked through with the support of an experienced counselor. If you can't afford that kind of help right now, check out John Lee's paperback book, "Growing Yourself Back Up," for great advice and direction.
3. Visualize a successful outcome for all those involved. Put energy into the solution by creating some kind of visualization (and verbal affirmation) that you can turn to when you feel frustrated, anxious, or fed up. Think of an image that helps you to feel cared for, powerful, and calm. One friend of mine used the image of a wise and loving grandmother as she went through her painful divorce. Each time she needed to take some kind of action, she followed it up by placing herself and the problem in the lap of this grandmother (in her mind's eye) while quietly repeating to herself, "I see this situation resolved for the highest good of everyone involved."
There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind - the most valuable gain of all. Take the sail out of the wind as the saying goes. While everyone around you is blustering, take the sail out of the wind and then you won't be blown around by it, you won't be controlled by it!!
Will you participate?
We all get caught up in drama at one time or another. It comes in many forms. You might be struggling with in-fighting between family members, roped into a legal hassle with someone who mistakenly sees the proliferation of paperwork as progress, or embroiled in a nasty divorce that keeps everyone living on the edge. Sometimes the drama occurs in our minds - obsessing over something we did in the past, worrying about whether or not we'll get an outcome we desire, or overthinking a problem to death. You know you're caught up in drama when you feel a sense of ongoing, emotional entanglement in a situation - a circumstance that seems to take over your life. While there are some events that will take time to get resolved, that doesn't mean that you have to suffer. If drama is on your plate, here are three things you can do:
1. Stop talking about it. Don't gossip with others, don't debate the situation to death, and don't allow others to bait you with inquiries about what's going on either. Talking about the details over and over again gives more energy to the problem rather than the solution.
2. Identify the button pushers. Oftentimes drama is fueled by unresolved past issues that get stirred up by present-day problems. If you feel like a five-year-old every time you find yourself in the company of your ex, for example, chances are he or she is re-triggering a situation from your past where you may have felt powerless or afraid. These are therapy issues that can be worked through with the support of an experienced counselor. If you can't afford that kind of help right now, check out John Lee's paperback book, "Growing Yourself Back Up," for great advice and direction.
3. Visualize a successful outcome for all those involved. Put energy into the solution by creating some kind of visualization (and verbal affirmation) that you can turn to when you feel frustrated, anxious, or fed up. Think of an image that helps you to feel cared for, powerful, and calm. One friend of mine used the image of a wise and loving grandmother as she went through her painful divorce. Each time she needed to take some kind of action, she followed it up by placing herself and the problem in the lap of this grandmother (in her mind's eye) while quietly repeating to herself, "I see this situation resolved for the highest good of everyone involved."
There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind - the most valuable gain of all. Take the sail out of the wind as the saying goes. While everyone around you is blustering, take the sail out of the wind and then you won't be blown around by it, you won't be controlled by it!!
Divorce Success - its in the details
It's in the details.
When you are facing a divorce, or in the middle of a divorce, contentious or not, PLEASE pay attention to the details. I guess that you could apply that principle to life in general, but pay particular attention to anything you sign or are even asked to sign.
Keep copies of everything from contracts to bank statements, credit card slips and cash sales receipts too!
You can track all of your cash receipts the old fashioned way or NeatReceipt is a piece of hardware for your computer that will take the paper receipt through a feeder and record the information provided on the receipt straight into Quickbooks. You will no longer have to record each receipt by hand onto a spreadsheet. Tracking all your cash receipts might sound like a lot of work - but saving money is in the details! The information records into your budget too, so you can see where the crevices are. If you already have a business or if you think you might like to have your own business, keeping cash receipts is just a habit for you.
Countless stories of women that have toppled their husband's house of cards with just a disregarded piece of paper that may have, otherwise slipped through the cracks, fallen in the trash! So, PLEASE, pay attention to the details!!
When you are facing a divorce, or in the middle of a divorce, contentious or not, PLEASE pay attention to the details. I guess that you could apply that principle to life in general, but pay particular attention to anything you sign or are even asked to sign.
Keep copies of everything from contracts to bank statements, credit card slips and cash sales receipts too!
You can track all of your cash receipts the old fashioned way or NeatReceipt is a piece of hardware for your computer that will take the paper receipt through a feeder and record the information provided on the receipt straight into Quickbooks. You will no longer have to record each receipt by hand onto a spreadsheet. Tracking all your cash receipts might sound like a lot of work - but saving money is in the details! The information records into your budget too, so you can see where the crevices are. If you already have a business or if you think you might like to have your own business, keeping cash receipts is just a habit for you.
Countless stories of women that have toppled their husband's house of cards with just a disregarded piece of paper that may have, otherwise slipped through the cracks, fallen in the trash! So, PLEASE, pay attention to the details!!
Stages of Emotions through Divorce
Divorce is much like grieving over someone you have lost to death. In fact, it is a death ... the death of a relationship that once was filled with love, anticipation, honesty, hopes and dreams and certainly lot of good memories which often out weigh the bad ones. Grieving just takes time and every individual is different in the length of time they grieve. Bitter is actually bottled up anger and blaming oneself for not seeing the signs of a failing marriage, but, that's simply not true (as you will find out later on.) When you give marriage your all and love that person then you simply aren't looking for signs of cheating or other reasons for divorce. First comes the tears, then sometimes taking the total blame (when it wasn't 100% your fault). then the 'what ifs' or 'I should have done things differently.' The reality is two humans aren't perfect and couples can fall out of love. Then comes the anger. This is the time you use that anger to your own advantage. Instead of being eaten up inside by anger, realize this is a learning curve and learn from the mistakes both of you made in your marriage. That said, get out with friends, socialize and start dating again.
Mates that are vicious, abusive (verbal or physical) or used you and threw you away like so much garbage doesn't mean you are garbage or damaged goods at all! Get up, get out, get moving! I have a motto on my fridge that says, 'When you can forgive the person then they have no control over your life!' This simply means you can forgive them, but not like them and move on. If you hate them and are bitter this will eat your very soul away and you'll be the loser. Remember, all men/women are not bad and there is someone special out there for you. Life sometimes throws us curves we don't like, but when we look back we begin to understand if things hadn't happened that way we wouldn't meet the true love we are suppose to be with.
I was married for 3 1/2 years to a very verbally and physically abusive man. Why I put up with it for so long I have no idea. He also cheated and I followed him, got the goods on him and filed for divorce. I was more sad than bitter, and very angry at myself for not using the intelligence I felt I should have had, but when I went through the different grieving stages I realized that I was young and wasn't expected to be as wise as I am now and I learned from that relationship that he would never make me be a man hater or stop me from being independent. When you say you can live without a man (or woman) then you are ready for a relationship. Two years later I married a wonderful man and we've been married almost 36 years.
reprinted from Wikipedia
Mates that are vicious, abusive (verbal or physical) or used you and threw you away like so much garbage doesn't mean you are garbage or damaged goods at all! Get up, get out, get moving! I have a motto on my fridge that says, 'When you can forgive the person then they have no control over your life!' This simply means you can forgive them, but not like them and move on. If you hate them and are bitter this will eat your very soul away and you'll be the loser. Remember, all men/women are not bad and there is someone special out there for you. Life sometimes throws us curves we don't like, but when we look back we begin to understand if things hadn't happened that way we wouldn't meet the true love we are suppose to be with.
I was married for 3 1/2 years to a very verbally and physically abusive man. Why I put up with it for so long I have no idea. He also cheated and I followed him, got the goods on him and filed for divorce. I was more sad than bitter, and very angry at myself for not using the intelligence I felt I should have had, but when I went through the different grieving stages I realized that I was young and wasn't expected to be as wise as I am now and I learned from that relationship that he would never make me be a man hater or stop me from being independent. When you say you can live without a man (or woman) then you are ready for a relationship. Two years later I married a wonderful man and we've been married almost 36 years.
reprinted from Wikipedia
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