This is a rather long read for my usual posts, but if you have ever been in the position of being abused at the hands of a narcissist, whether in a marriage or not, you may find some comfort in reading about how the mind of a narcissist works.
It may help you re-build your self esteem.
http://www.information-entertainment.com/Lifestyles/SamVakninVII.html
Showing posts with label Divorce Help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce Help. Show all posts
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Divorce Help
My doorbell rang this morning and when I answered it there was a young man standing there with a workman's toolkit draped from his shoulder. He looked at me, incredulously and told me that he was there from the gas company. He was sent to shut off the gas. He said, "You didn't pay your gas bill??" He said it with total amazement in his voice, and in his eyes.
I told him that it probably wasn't any of his business, but because of a nasty divorce and the fact that my soon-to-be-ex husband chooses to not abide by the court's orders, if he was sent to shut off the gas, then he should get on with his job.
I assume the gas has been shut off, and shortly I will be without hot water and heat - not to worry - this is not the first time I have had to dance this dance with the man I used to adore.
I explain these circumstances to provide support to anyone else that might be going through the same types of issues. Stay strong and remember that this is almost a normal reaction from someone that is angry. I don't really understand - I should be the angry one.....yes, I filed first, but only because of circumstances that were spiralling, rapidly, out of control and it was a safety issue.
Nevertheless, he is very angry with me.
If you are thinking about filing, or have filed, be prepared for some residual, fallout anger.
Remember that God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!!
I told him that it probably wasn't any of his business, but because of a nasty divorce and the fact that my soon-to-be-ex husband chooses to not abide by the court's orders, if he was sent to shut off the gas, then he should get on with his job.
I assume the gas has been shut off, and shortly I will be without hot water and heat - not to worry - this is not the first time I have had to dance this dance with the man I used to adore.
I explain these circumstances to provide support to anyone else that might be going through the same types of issues. Stay strong and remember that this is almost a normal reaction from someone that is angry. I don't really understand - I should be the angry one.....yes, I filed first, but only because of circumstances that were spiralling, rapidly, out of control and it was a safety issue.
Nevertheless, he is very angry with me.
If you are thinking about filing, or have filed, be prepared for some residual, fallout anger.
Remember that God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Timothy Ferris - 4 Hour Work Week
In finishing up my divorce and having a burning desire to help others through this process, I am reading, “The 4 Hour Work Week” – the expanded and updated version. I wanted to read this book to help me with the Divorce Educator and help refine the Educator series. But I got hit upside the head with a nugget of information that I think would help people that are considering divorce.
Divorce is a funny creature. When you first meet the person of your dreams, and you’ve got your rose colored glasses on, it’s like your perception is off and you allow this person leeways that you probably wouldn’t afford to others. Timothy Ferris talks about the 80/20 rule, I have used this rule before in business, but now, I am applying these same techniques to assess what happened in my marriage/divorce, or maybe justify what happened. I have heard it said before that failure is never failure if you learn from it and use those lessons when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the race.
I am going to quote directly, (Timothy, I hope that ok with you).
“Who are the 20% of the people that produce 80% of your enjoyment and propel you forward and which 20% cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing?”
Further
“Exact numbers aren’t needed to realize that we spend too much time with those who poison us with pessimism, sloth, and low expectations of themselves and the world. It is often the case that you have to fire certain friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want. This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.”
So when first in love, you look at your spouse with the rose-colored glasses and see things in them that are perhaps figments of the qualities that you are looking for in a partner. Time goes by and maybe you grow in different directions and are now no longer suitable for each other. Grown apart if your will – so why prolong the agony.
Use the 80/20 rule, if your spouse falls into the 20% of the people that cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing, then guess what???
Divorce is a funny creature. When you first meet the person of your dreams, and you’ve got your rose colored glasses on, it’s like your perception is off and you allow this person leeways that you probably wouldn’t afford to others. Timothy Ferris talks about the 80/20 rule, I have used this rule before in business, but now, I am applying these same techniques to assess what happened in my marriage/divorce, or maybe justify what happened. I have heard it said before that failure is never failure if you learn from it and use those lessons when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the race.
I am going to quote directly, (Timothy, I hope that ok with you).
“Who are the 20% of the people that produce 80% of your enjoyment and propel you forward and which 20% cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing?”
Further
“Exact numbers aren’t needed to realize that we spend too much time with those who poison us with pessimism, sloth, and low expectations of themselves and the world. It is often the case that you have to fire certain friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want. This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.”
So when first in love, you look at your spouse with the rose-colored glasses and see things in them that are perhaps figments of the qualities that you are looking for in a partner. Time goes by and maybe you grow in different directions and are now no longer suitable for each other. Grown apart if your will – so why prolong the agony.
Use the 80/20 rule, if your spouse falls into the 20% of the people that cause you 80% of your depression, anger and second-guessing, then guess what???
Divorce = Drama
Divorce - Drama
Will you participate?
We all get caught up in drama at one time or another. It comes in many forms. You might be struggling with in-fighting between family members, roped into a legal hassle with someone who mistakenly sees the proliferation of paperwork as progress, or embroiled in a nasty divorce that keeps everyone living on the edge. Sometimes the drama occurs in our minds - obsessing over something we did in the past, worrying about whether or not we'll get an outcome we desire, or overthinking a problem to death. You know you're caught up in drama when you feel a sense of ongoing, emotional entanglement in a situation - a circumstance that seems to take over your life. While there are some events that will take time to get resolved, that doesn't mean that you have to suffer. If drama is on your plate, here are three things you can do:
1. Stop talking about it. Don't gossip with others, don't debate the situation to death, and don't allow others to bait you with inquiries about what's going on either. Talking about the details over and over again gives more energy to the problem rather than the solution.
2. Identify the button pushers. Oftentimes drama is fueled by unresolved past issues that get stirred up by present-day problems. If you feel like a five-year-old every time you find yourself in the company of your ex, for example, chances are he or she is re-triggering a situation from your past where you may have felt powerless or afraid. These are therapy issues that can be worked through with the support of an experienced counselor. If you can't afford that kind of help right now, check out John Lee's paperback book, "Growing Yourself Back Up," for great advice and direction.
3. Visualize a successful outcome for all those involved. Put energy into the solution by creating some kind of visualization (and verbal affirmation) that you can turn to when you feel frustrated, anxious, or fed up. Think of an image that helps you to feel cared for, powerful, and calm. One friend of mine used the image of a wise and loving grandmother as she went through her painful divorce. Each time she needed to take some kind of action, she followed it up by placing herself and the problem in the lap of this grandmother (in her mind's eye) while quietly repeating to herself, "I see this situation resolved for the highest good of everyone involved."
There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind - the most valuable gain of all. Take the sail out of the wind as the saying goes. While everyone around you is blustering, take the sail out of the wind and then you won't be blown around by it, you won't be controlled by it!!
Will you participate?
We all get caught up in drama at one time or another. It comes in many forms. You might be struggling with in-fighting between family members, roped into a legal hassle with someone who mistakenly sees the proliferation of paperwork as progress, or embroiled in a nasty divorce that keeps everyone living on the edge. Sometimes the drama occurs in our minds - obsessing over something we did in the past, worrying about whether or not we'll get an outcome we desire, or overthinking a problem to death. You know you're caught up in drama when you feel a sense of ongoing, emotional entanglement in a situation - a circumstance that seems to take over your life. While there are some events that will take time to get resolved, that doesn't mean that you have to suffer. If drama is on your plate, here are three things you can do:
1. Stop talking about it. Don't gossip with others, don't debate the situation to death, and don't allow others to bait you with inquiries about what's going on either. Talking about the details over and over again gives more energy to the problem rather than the solution.
2. Identify the button pushers. Oftentimes drama is fueled by unresolved past issues that get stirred up by present-day problems. If you feel like a five-year-old every time you find yourself in the company of your ex, for example, chances are he or she is re-triggering a situation from your past where you may have felt powerless or afraid. These are therapy issues that can be worked through with the support of an experienced counselor. If you can't afford that kind of help right now, check out John Lee's paperback book, "Growing Yourself Back Up," for great advice and direction.
3. Visualize a successful outcome for all those involved. Put energy into the solution by creating some kind of visualization (and verbal affirmation) that you can turn to when you feel frustrated, anxious, or fed up. Think of an image that helps you to feel cared for, powerful, and calm. One friend of mine used the image of a wise and loving grandmother as she went through her painful divorce. Each time she needed to take some kind of action, she followed it up by placing herself and the problem in the lap of this grandmother (in her mind's eye) while quietly repeating to herself, "I see this situation resolved for the highest good of everyone involved."
There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind - the most valuable gain of all. Take the sail out of the wind as the saying goes. While everyone around you is blustering, take the sail out of the wind and then you won't be blown around by it, you won't be controlled by it!!
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